dispair

I still have not accepted my fate.

All I want to do is stay in my room and play mahjong solitaire to forget my problems.

safety valve

spoiler: just another 'luahan perasaan'

Yesterday my wife told me of a saucy piece of gossip concerning a known relative. At first I was amused that she would do such a naughty thing. It's good to hear juicy gossip. Today I feel sad that she would do such a thing as undressing in front of someone that she had thought of as the ideal person and offering herself. I ponder at this. My wife said that she always wanted a tall handsome guy but got a short round guy.

We all have dreams, and when that dream does not come true or we compromise, the yearning to have that void filled will always be there and when things are at it's lowest the dream becomes more real and a far better escape. An excuse for ones problem. Getting it must then be the solution. It makes us desperate and we try to force the dream to come true by blindly lunging at anything that comes close. Even a horny dog can hump a human leg. And that's when we fall, sometimes very hard.

If you have strong feelings for someone, take the chance, tell them. You won't lose what you never got and if the feeling is mutual then you gained. You must accept what you compromise otherwise it will return as poison.

one regret

spoiler: this is just mushy stuff don't bother. It's what I would like to say to the 'other girl'

If there's one one thing in my life I can change, she would be it.

I wish I could go back and say I have strong feelings for her. I'm cautious of saying love because my imagination has clouded my thoughts. Even though based on her actions I wonder what her feelings were. If she had not retire and get married I'm sure my feelings for her were growing. I could feel it swing. When she retired to get married a bell rang in my head but I was so blind it registered as a passing thought. I was feeling empty and depressed without her. Looking back I was an idiot. Don't know what you have until you lose it.

I remember her eyebrows, eyes, nose, soft lips and sweet smile. She would give me a smile in the mornings, she knows where I sit and its a glance and smile when she walks in and I do the same.

If she were to be available, I wonder what I would do. I know what I would like to do. Would I leave my wife? A marriage is an investment for the rest of ones life. It's not a fashion statement which can be changed each season. It's a deep and serious commitment. When one commits to marriage one is surrendering ones life to another. It's more than just a responsibility. And my wife entrusted her's to me. I cannot just brush it aside. But would you still get a sense of heaven on earth if you were able to spend even a week with the one you truely love?

Would you live with the one you love even it was for a moment or live forever without? Living is not enough. Love is blind but it fills us, influences our actions. Without it we are empty shells.

I feel like she was unfinished business. It's like a data transfer and the plug gets pulled out. I have things I want to say, to know. I want to know what her feelings were for me? Could we have managed to reach the altar? Would I be happy with her? I'm touched by the things she did, it was real. She was real.

I wonder where she is. I hope she is happy. If she is then I will be at peace. I felt like she was yearning for me and I feel responsible if she was not happy. I don't know if anybody can be unhappy with her.

I'd like to meet her one more time, just to see her face, her smile, her voice and her cheeky mannerisms. I..I dunno. I just miss her. Now I'm the one with the yearning. (Maybe it's just my imagination. What the hell am I thinking, am I thinking straight? I don't know anymore.) Well just in case, I'll write it down before the next radiotherapy stint. Not sure how much of my brain will be Kentucky fried after that. But I get another year to live.

I still have dreams, I still want things but it seems such a futile thing to do. Man Motorhead sounds good right now although Enrique - Hero is the song I would like to give.

I have always been a procrastinator, a pessimist and I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I wish I could change it. Why is it so hard to see things simply, without our imagination and fantasies getting in the way. I leave things too late until it's too late.

I wonder if what I remember is real or just my imagination.

It's just not fair that god set in motion the sequence of events the way that it is. Why did this girl get married before I got burnt by the shadow I was chasing. If it was the other way I would have quickly snapped this girl. I can't help wonder why god does what he does. If this is my test in life ... that cliff looks real good to me.

reflections

spoiler: I'm sorry but this post is depressing, skip if you must, I just want to get some relief by expressing my feelings. Maybe when the planets align my 'other girl' may just read this post and know that she was something to me.

After the doctor's appointment I was struck by sadness and grief. My mind says forget it, think positive and pull the 'don't give a shit' card but I also know that fighting the emotions does not always work. You have to go throught the course before you can cope. A cut will bleed and needs to be cleaned before it can heal. I too allowed myself the low so I can feel the high (assuming I don't go below 6ft).

Music is helping. Love songs for the grief (although it makes me more depressed) and heavy metal for the anger (arse kicker).

I am gripped by three things that I cannot shake and the tears appear when I think about.

The first is that my daughter 6 and a half years old and my son almost 3, they wont know me as a person. They will remember snippets of something, maybe images but nothing much. It will be as though I did not exist. They will see pictures of me but will only wonder who this old guy was. I in turn will not be able to see them grow up, guide them through life, be their friend, play with them, see them married and have kids. I read 'The Last Lecture', his strategy was to imprint his kids by doing activities that will leave a lasting impression. My resolution is to do the same. As for a last lecture, I really don't know, last thing on my mind.

The second is that my wife will be alone and I wont be able to support her, or comfort her, make her dreams come true. She'll have to face the world alone, sleep alone, be alone. It's hard to think about it.

The third is a girl. When I was working at SMK I had strong feelings for a girl. I liked her so much I had fantasies of her, and the emotional connection grew from those fantasies. Thinking back, in real life there was nothing actually there. It was just my imagination but love is so blind it stopped me from seeing the truth, that I was just chasing a shadow. She never showed me any signs of affection. Unfortunately I was blind to another girl that was showing me affections. I was beginning to be torn by these two girls but I had to follow through with my course of action so as not to waste the 'investment' I placed in it. I knew that the other girl was growing on me but I pushed it aside, biggest mistake in my life. Eventually I had an opportunity to take this girl out. I did and said what needs to be said. I got burnt. She already has a relationship with someone in the same office. I feel like they/she was playing like fool. Stupidifying me. When you chase shadows, you only get tired, theres nothing there. The pain of rejection is satan's best weapon, it can send you over the cliff. It was the hardest thing to get over. After what seems like ages I eventually got to compromise with the emotion of that day. I'm glad I went throught the whole course, I will never wonder and if I were to meet her there wouldn't be anything to say as I have said all that I needed to say. Unfortunately I lost the one that was right in front of me.

I still remember the other girl, longing sometimes, what could have been, would have been if only I had the light to make the shadows disappear. I was attracted to her the first day she came to the factory. I had to interview her and her sister. I was hooked. The interview was a sham, I was going to hire her regardless. I also made sure she was on my team. :) evil me. She would tidy my desk on some mornings, even put a flower there one time. I never dwell on regrets, Oprah said it's bad. You learn from it and move on otherwise its just a downer. I remember I couldn't wait to get to work just to see this girl. Exchange smiles and muck around all day. When she was absent I felt empty the whole day. Funny all this and I was blind to it. Biggest and only regret of my life this other girl. When I retired my supervisor suggested a promotion but the manager said all I did was flirt with the girls or was it with a girl. I always thought my anticks was unnoticed :) guess I was wrong.

Wherever she is I hope she is really happy with her life, although I do always wonder what if it was with me.

I will be terminated

I was soon going to see the oncologist. It's another 2 weeks.

Unfortunately I am starting to get headaches. I also had a migrain on 2 seperate days. I know what this means. Panadol/Paracetamol does nothing. Steroids is the only answer but I have run out. Fortunately I have an old prescription which was still valid. I popped those steroids like candy. After a day or two, I got relief.

On the 20th Nov I was down for an MRI. This will pick up anything new. I went there, same place but new robes, paper ones, with a big gap on your arse or crotch depending which way you wear it. Lucky I was wearing underwear that day. (What a thought huh.) I lay on the slab for almost an hour trying not to move, even swallow. Then the 'medicine' ie contrast solution ie gadolinium then more waiting then I'm out. Fortunately paid for by tax dollars, I get some use out of my tax :) Wonder what it will show.

Today (25/11/10) the appointment with the oncologist. At the reception I saw a big wad of scans. It looked familiar and yes it was mine. The nurse gives it to me. I new that there is only bad news in there but I had to know, I take out the medical report. The first line says it all "Findings: Interval deterioration with bilateral cranial fossa and skull base tumor recurrence with infiltration of the left frontal lobe...". So it has returned and grown quickly and spread, cute. The doctor says yeah. You did know it wasn't going to cure you? We do more radio if you want, up to you. I say there's no choice. He says "there's always a choice". What happens if I don't do radio? "It will grow and you die." Great choice! So I say yeah, let's do radio. He says well the last radio was about a year ago and you responded well. So if this goes the same you get another year. You know this exercise is just to slow it down. However you may not be so lucky with your sight this time and the area will certainly be more fried.

I was booked for a mould and I left. Funny most of the patients here are old and yet I won't live to half their age.

It was then clear to me that I was not ever going to beat this thing and 5 years seems such an impossible dream to live to. So this will be my demise bar being run over by a truck. Khamar born Jan 1968 Dead from cancer 201x.

I wish I can have another life, live at another place, be another person but you only get one deck, one game of mahjong solitaire. When you see that you are not going to successfully complete the game, too bad.