line up for the merry go round

I get to try my new mask. Place cut, place cut, until finally a snug fit.

Next the ct scan with the mask so the target area can be identified. The mask keeps the head at exactly the same position so that the radiation points can just be plugged into the position control computer. Press of a button.

Again I get the contrast solution via the canula, I hate that thing. As usual I offered the biggest right hand elbow vein. And what happens, she misses. Now she'll have to fish around the smaller left hand vein. What to do. It ached.

I get a summary from the nurse then I was outta hear.

See ya 29th Dec for the treatment.

mould

7/12/10
Had to get scanned today for the face mask for the radio therapy. Nothing new, maybe third time lucky. This time there was a mouth guard to prevent the tongue from getting fried. Don't like the idea of losing taste again. But it does look like bondage tool. Laser scanned, mouth impressed, blood sample taken, done. See you next week for a CT test.

dispair

I still have not accepted my fate.

All I want to do is stay in my room and play mahjong solitaire to forget my problems.

safety valve

spoiler: just another 'luahan perasaan'

Yesterday my wife told me of a saucy piece of gossip concerning a known relative. At first I was amused that she would do such a naughty thing. It's good to hear juicy gossip. Today I feel sad that she would do such a thing as undressing in front of someone that she had thought of as the ideal person and offering herself. I ponder at this. My wife said that she always wanted a tall handsome guy but got a short round guy.

We all have dreams, and when that dream does not come true or we compromise, the yearning to have that void filled will always be there and when things are at it's lowest the dream becomes more real and a far better escape. An excuse for ones problem. Getting it must then be the solution. It makes us desperate and we try to force the dream to come true by blindly lunging at anything that comes close. Even a horny dog can hump a human leg. And that's when we fall, sometimes very hard.

If you have strong feelings for someone, take the chance, tell them. You won't lose what you never got and if the feeling is mutual then you gained. You must accept what you compromise otherwise it will return as poison.

one regret

spoiler: this is just mushy stuff don't bother. It's what I would like to say to the 'other girl'

If there's one one thing in my life I can change, she would be it.

I wish I could go back and say I have strong feelings for her. I'm cautious of saying love because my imagination has clouded my thoughts. Even though based on her actions I wonder what her feelings were. If she had not retire and get married I'm sure my feelings for her were growing. I could feel it swing. When she retired to get married a bell rang in my head but I was so blind it registered as a passing thought. I was feeling empty and depressed without her. Looking back I was an idiot. Don't know what you have until you lose it.

I remember her eyebrows, eyes, nose, soft lips and sweet smile. She would give me a smile in the mornings, she knows where I sit and its a glance and smile when she walks in and I do the same.

If she were to be available, I wonder what I would do. I know what I would like to do. Would I leave my wife? A marriage is an investment for the rest of ones life. It's not a fashion statement which can be changed each season. It's a deep and serious commitment. When one commits to marriage one is surrendering ones life to another. It's more than just a responsibility. And my wife entrusted her's to me. I cannot just brush it aside. But would you still get a sense of heaven on earth if you were able to spend even a week with the one you truely love?

Would you live with the one you love even it was for a moment or live forever without? Living is not enough. Love is blind but it fills us, influences our actions. Without it we are empty shells.

I feel like she was unfinished business. It's like a data transfer and the plug gets pulled out. I have things I want to say, to know. I want to know what her feelings were for me? Could we have managed to reach the altar? Would I be happy with her? I'm touched by the things she did, it was real. She was real.

I wonder where she is. I hope she is happy. If she is then I will be at peace. I felt like she was yearning for me and I feel responsible if she was not happy. I don't know if anybody can be unhappy with her.

I'd like to meet her one more time, just to see her face, her smile, her voice and her cheeky mannerisms. I..I dunno. I just miss her. Now I'm the one with the yearning. (Maybe it's just my imagination. What the hell am I thinking, am I thinking straight? I don't know anymore.) Well just in case, I'll write it down before the next radiotherapy stint. Not sure how much of my brain will be Kentucky fried after that. But I get another year to live.

I still have dreams, I still want things but it seems such a futile thing to do. Man Motorhead sounds good right now although Enrique - Hero is the song I would like to give.

I have always been a procrastinator, a pessimist and I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I wish I could change it. Why is it so hard to see things simply, without our imagination and fantasies getting in the way. I leave things too late until it's too late.

I wonder if what I remember is real or just my imagination.

It's just not fair that god set in motion the sequence of events the way that it is. Why did this girl get married before I got burnt by the shadow I was chasing. If it was the other way I would have quickly snapped this girl. I can't help wonder why god does what he does. If this is my test in life ... that cliff looks real good to me.

reflections

spoiler: I'm sorry but this post is depressing, skip if you must, I just want to get some relief by expressing my feelings. Maybe when the planets align my 'other girl' may just read this post and know that she was something to me.

After the doctor's appointment I was struck by sadness and grief. My mind says forget it, think positive and pull the 'don't give a shit' card but I also know that fighting the emotions does not always work. You have to go throught the course before you can cope. A cut will bleed and needs to be cleaned before it can heal. I too allowed myself the low so I can feel the high (assuming I don't go below 6ft).

Music is helping. Love songs for the grief (although it makes me more depressed) and heavy metal for the anger (arse kicker).

I am gripped by three things that I cannot shake and the tears appear when I think about.

The first is that my daughter 6 and a half years old and my son almost 3, they wont know me as a person. They will remember snippets of something, maybe images but nothing much. It will be as though I did not exist. They will see pictures of me but will only wonder who this old guy was. I in turn will not be able to see them grow up, guide them through life, be their friend, play with them, see them married and have kids. I read 'The Last Lecture', his strategy was to imprint his kids by doing activities that will leave a lasting impression. My resolution is to do the same. As for a last lecture, I really don't know, last thing on my mind.

The second is that my wife will be alone and I wont be able to support her, or comfort her, make her dreams come true. She'll have to face the world alone, sleep alone, be alone. It's hard to think about it.

The third is a girl. When I was working at SMK I had strong feelings for a girl. I liked her so much I had fantasies of her, and the emotional connection grew from those fantasies. Thinking back, in real life there was nothing actually there. It was just my imagination but love is so blind it stopped me from seeing the truth, that I was just chasing a shadow. She never showed me any signs of affection. Unfortunately I was blind to another girl that was showing me affections. I was beginning to be torn by these two girls but I had to follow through with my course of action so as not to waste the 'investment' I placed in it. I knew that the other girl was growing on me but I pushed it aside, biggest mistake in my life. Eventually I had an opportunity to take this girl out. I did and said what needs to be said. I got burnt. She already has a relationship with someone in the same office. I feel like they/she was playing like fool. Stupidifying me. When you chase shadows, you only get tired, theres nothing there. The pain of rejection is satan's best weapon, it can send you over the cliff. It was the hardest thing to get over. After what seems like ages I eventually got to compromise with the emotion of that day. I'm glad I went throught the whole course, I will never wonder and if I were to meet her there wouldn't be anything to say as I have said all that I needed to say. Unfortunately I lost the one that was right in front of me.

I still remember the other girl, longing sometimes, what could have been, would have been if only I had the light to make the shadows disappear. I was attracted to her the first day she came to the factory. I had to interview her and her sister. I was hooked. The interview was a sham, I was going to hire her regardless. I also made sure she was on my team. :) evil me. She would tidy my desk on some mornings, even put a flower there one time. I never dwell on regrets, Oprah said it's bad. You learn from it and move on otherwise its just a downer. I remember I couldn't wait to get to work just to see this girl. Exchange smiles and muck around all day. When she was absent I felt empty the whole day. Funny all this and I was blind to it. Biggest and only regret of my life this other girl. When I retired my supervisor suggested a promotion but the manager said all I did was flirt with the girls or was it with a girl. I always thought my anticks was unnoticed :) guess I was wrong.

Wherever she is I hope she is really happy with her life, although I do always wonder what if it was with me.

I will be terminated

I was soon going to see the oncologist. It's another 2 weeks.

Unfortunately I am starting to get headaches. I also had a migrain on 2 seperate days. I know what this means. Panadol/Paracetamol does nothing. Steroids is the only answer but I have run out. Fortunately I have an old prescription which was still valid. I popped those steroids like candy. After a day or two, I got relief.

On the 20th Nov I was down for an MRI. This will pick up anything new. I went there, same place but new robes, paper ones, with a big gap on your arse or crotch depending which way you wear it. Lucky I was wearing underwear that day. (What a thought huh.) I lay on the slab for almost an hour trying not to move, even swallow. Then the 'medicine' ie contrast solution ie gadolinium then more waiting then I'm out. Fortunately paid for by tax dollars, I get some use out of my tax :) Wonder what it will show.

Today (25/11/10) the appointment with the oncologist. At the reception I saw a big wad of scans. It looked familiar and yes it was mine. The nurse gives it to me. I new that there is only bad news in there but I had to know, I take out the medical report. The first line says it all "Findings: Interval deterioration with bilateral cranial fossa and skull base tumor recurrence with infiltration of the left frontal lobe...". So it has returned and grown quickly and spread, cute. The doctor says yeah. You did know it wasn't going to cure you? We do more radio if you want, up to you. I say there's no choice. He says "there's always a choice". What happens if I don't do radio? "It will grow and you die." Great choice! So I say yeah, let's do radio. He says well the last radio was about a year ago and you responded well. So if this goes the same you get another year. You know this exercise is just to slow it down. However you may not be so lucky with your sight this time and the area will certainly be more fried.

I was booked for a mould and I left. Funny most of the patients here are old and yet I won't live to half their age.

It was then clear to me that I was not ever going to beat this thing and 5 years seems such an impossible dream to live to. So this will be my demise bar being run over by a truck. Khamar born Jan 1968 Dead from cancer 201x.

I wish I can have another life, live at another place, be another person but you only get one deck, one game of mahjong solitaire. When you see that you are not going to successfully complete the game, too bad.

a new spring

It was spring a few weeks ago. During autumn and winter the leaves falls off some trees. So much that I think them to be dead. Fortunately I was proven wrong. The plum tree sprouts white flowers that make them look like snow. When the wind blows them and they fall, they look like snow falling. Such is the beauty of having seasons.

Soon I will need another scan. And another checkup. Hope it all goes well.

another pebble in the river

It's been a while since I have updated this blog. Nothing much has happened. Ramadhan. Otherwise nothing.

I'm in maintenance mode waiting for the tumour to reoccur, somewhere. My last appointment was yesterday and there was nothing to report. He asks if I want to live in ignorance or be aware of the problem. There's nothing much one can do other than more radiation. I say I want to know, I want to see it coming. The doc suggests a scan in two months, a week before the next appointment.

I'll have to wait and see.

a mouse in the house

My uncle came over the other day. He left the door opened but closed the fly door. Unfortunately there was a hole near the floor and would you know it a mouse came in. Uninvited. I heard him trying to scratch out in the middle of the night. I hate mice.

Reminds me of a cheap hotel I stayed in one time. I was sleeping and I felt mice, lots of mice, clammering over me in bed like I was some kind of amusement park. I was shocked.

Next day, rat poison. That fixed them and it will fix it now.

I opened the door and told the mouse to go 'be free'. But instead the little bugger ran further into the house. The opened door was right in front of him. Well you brought it upon yourself.

I was living in fear thinking that the mouse might crawl over me. I kept the bedroom door closed at all times. It was, after all my sanctuary.

A few nights later I could hear him in the kitchen coughing. And later he was in bad shape cos he was lying in the kitchen but not dead. He would crawl and hide when he saw me. Then a day or two later I got the courage to get a broom and pan and sweep him out.

He was still alive (kinda cute little thing), I told him he had his chance to go, why didn't he take it, the door was opened. The next day he was gone. Never to be seen, but alas there are heaps more on the roof.

groupies

hey I have followers. A cute chickie and a faceless man.

How about that, I never had groupies before.

some light in the tunnel

I know that I will not beat this cancer. It's just too tenacious. However the growth in my neck has shrunk, by a lot. I wonder if it is dead or just shrunk. Radiation has limited life, if it were to regrow in my head I wonder what treatment will be used next, if any.

Hope it does not regrow in my head ... for a long time. As for the rest of my body, it has not been radiated yet, go for it :)

frustration

this lack of taste and smell is SO frustrating. My throat is also sore now and gum feels swollen. Chewing and eating is a chore rather than a luxury.

Imagine not being able to smell or taste food. Just chewing some textured thing in your mouth without any taste. It's hell.

I tried to fry an egg the other day and left the pan to warm up and forgot about it. I was wondering why the kitchen looked foggy. THE PAN! I couldn't smell the smoke. Man it could've caught fire!

last day

It was my last radio day. I was glad. I say goodbye to the staff and ask if they will be throwing the mask away. She says yes. Is it radioactive. No. Can I have it? Yes.

Cool, I say I will paint it black and find a cape, and wear my underwear on the outside.

I also see the dietitian. I got weighed and thank god I did not lose weight. I was home. She suggests more supplements. Not a problem. All I can think about was the tube. :)

Next step, get my mold.I went to the radio department and asked for my mold. Yep you can have it, take a seat for a moment. I get my mold as a souvenir and I was outa here.

Till the next appointment.

black boy

Yes the radiation has now burnt my skin, it is black. You can clearly see the edges like someone spray painted a fake beard. Unfortunately that was not the only problem. Half my tongue is white! The radiation burnt my tongue and left cheek. My cheek feels tight, no elasticity, my teeth aches and I can't taste anything.

I can imagine a succulent KFC drumstick but I know I cannot smell it or even taste it (and there's nothing but cooking shows on tv).

I mention to the nurse that my skin was starting to itch and she gave me a tube of paraffin. I hate paraffin, it was like putting vesaline on your face. Sorbalene is better, It gets absorbed and does not feel oily.

I tell the oncologist about my tongue, he looked at it and say 'yeah how about that'. I should ask if he could've made a love heart shape, it would look more impressive. I planned to say the 'thrush" word but it never came out. I wonder why. So no mouth wash for me.

I see the dietitian and tell her about my tongue and the lack of taste. She say well you have to eat and keep your weight. Use a bicarb mouth wash, 1 teaspoon bicard into a cup and wash every 3 hours. You also lost weight. I suggest you increase your supplements. If you don't eat I will suggest a food pipe. ??? Huh, where? Either through the nose or punched through your stomach. I was shocked. That woke me up. No way I was gonna let that happen. I tell her yeah I will endeavour to eat more. I mention that I had stopped the steroids, what can I do, it was the only thing making me eat. I have no taste, I don't feel like eating, even when my stomach says it is hungry. She says that some patient was put on steroids to maintain their weight.

I knew the only thing that was gonna prevent me from the stomach tube was the steroids. So what the hell, I had some leftovers. I started popping them into my mouth again. I new it tasted really bitter but since I cannot taste anything I could rub it on my tongue and not feel anything.

radio must be working

The growth in my neck was actually shrinking but the newer one was more stubborn. It did not want to die so easily and it was fighting.

My skin feels a little funny, and I had pimples growing on my left cheek.

new dietitian

I see the dietitian today. This time it wasn't emily but monica.

She weighs me and ask what my diet was. I say I have lost weight since stopping the steroids although my weight seemed to have increased. But I know in between the last weigh in and now I had actually increased weight and is on a downward trend. I know this because I had a 'beer' gut after the first weigh in and now the 'beer' gut was deflating. She then prescribed supplements. A protein drink, a fruit drink and an oil drink (yes vegetable oil - strawberry flavoured - yekkk).

I will check with you in a few days.

a few days later

a few days later the ache was gone but it was still swollen. I can't help feeling that the cancer knows and is trying to get away, maybe some has actually gone past the neck and is partying in other parts of my body. There's not much I can do about that. When it's time. it's time.

next day treatment

next day I go to radiotherapy.

wait at the waiting room, then the nurse calls me and it was my turn. I never remember the nurses name. I lay on the bench, put my mask to keep me still. Then the doctor comes in to check where the new growth is and will widen the treatment area. She pokes around my neck to 'feel' it. And yes it still aches but what to do.

5 minutes later it was done. Very quick radio.

doc every wednesday

It's wednesday and its doctor day.

I tell the doc of the new growth, and it aches. She feels it, and yes it aches. She said yeah, we'll expand the treatment area to include it. I'll check tomorrow during your treatment. Bye.

That was quick and it still aches.

eye eye captain

Thursday.

I have to see the ophthalmologist as well as the radio treatment today but I will have to wait 2 hours for the eye appointment. Why don't they just call it the eye doctor rather than follow the latin language.

I give the appointment letter to the receptionist.She says you have 2 appointments today, 1 for the consultant and the other to the registrar. No wonder I got 2 letters. Never mind.

She didn't give me back the letter. It was lunch time. 30 minutes later the clinic door opened and we all went in. Everyone placed their card and letter in the box and I thought the receptionist would pass mine automatically as she had kept mine, nope. I was the last to be called after the nurse asked what I was doing here. System break down. I had guessed as much.

I knew I was going to have to read the eye chart and my eyes were blurry. I tried to relax and try to get them clearer but it was not to be. The left eye was blurry but I was able to read all the letters but the right eye was bad. Only half way through, what to do.

Then another wait to see the doctor, a loooong wait.

Finally it was my turn. I see the doc, mention the new growth, also mention the the double vision had gone when I looked up. He said that was good, so things are getting better? What can I say, calm before the storm?

He asks how do I take things, I say 1 day at a time. Do you have any questions? I ask how the radiation will affect the eyes, he says things will go dark. (Hmm the other doc says things will go white.) Guess it doesn't matter, I won't get to see things anyway. I can't remember if I asked how long till the radiation effects vision as I don't recall an answer for it. I think he did mention depending on how much dose was applied. Sounds like a politician, never the answer only excuses.

Well, see you in 2 months.

stones don't roll uphill

The nurses arrange to see the doctor the next day. I really wanted to mention my new neck growth and try to get it treated at the same time as the other neck growth before everything starts and cannot change. Fortunately the doctor says that it would be possible to alter the treatment area to include the new growth. The treatment was such that a large area is initially treated then it is narrowed around the growth after 2 weeks or so. She said they can alter that and keep the area wide.

I ask about the MRI scan I had on the 5th. She says that it's not here and ask where it was done. I say PRC. She calls them and say it will get here later. I really wanted to see the results as I had not taken my steroids for a couple of weeks and therefore either the tumour has shrunk or my brain has. But it was not to be and I will have to wait til next week.

treatment 2

It's treatment day for my second stint of radiotherapy. They say that my neck will be part of the treatment this time. Hope so. I also noticed that there is an additional growth under the growth in my neck. The neck growth is egg shaped and now there's a smaller one growing under it. Can't wait to see the doctor. I hope my scans have returned and he see's the new growth. Now I have to remind myself to ask.

I just read that soft drinks can cause pancreatic cancer. I was alarmed. I have been hooked on soft drinks lately. I better stop I might get cancer. Hmmm ... :)

a toast to old friends

I was taking in the garbage bin and I thought this would be a good opportunity to see if I can get Richard's phone number. He's an old school friend a few houses down from me.We went to school together but different class, played soccer and hockey together, went to my first under 18 disco with him and some friends, then later to night clubs. His mother greeted me then she called his father. I say hello, remember me? "What's your name?" "Kamal".

"Ohh Kamal, you look different." (17 years would do that)

"He's not here. He died in November, he got sick and passed away."

I don't believe it. I wanted to ask more but they were visibly still distressed so my curiosity will have to be satisfied another way.

His mother said that he was always thinking of me and would've love to have seen me again. Me too.

I just can't believe I just missed meeting him. He seemed healthier than me, so I assumed I had time.

This also happened to my best friend Frank, my soul mate. We were a yin and yan friendship, just like the Arnold and Danny movie "Twins". I was Arnold...only joking, he was Arnold and I was Danny. He had all the luck, the physique, the charm, the looks, I had the opposite. I was thinking of him and called. But there was no reply. Later I find out that he died, close to when I called. I just missed him too. We used to spend a lot of time wasting time. I often wondered about my future during some of those times. Now I know.

I'm now thinking what I have missed, what they were up to. I'll try to get in touch with other friends if possible (since it have been more than 17 years) to see what happened. I can't believe this is how things end. Till then..

Here's to old friends. May God have mercy on their souls and forgive their sins. Rest in peace.

return of the lazy man

Confirmed, with the reduction in steroid medication my appetite has returned to it's normal rate, none. I'm also waking up late.

When I was on steroid I would wake up early, real early now I wake up late, real late. My appetite is also stingy again, when I would have eaten anything now I am picky and the craving is reduced. I'll miss y steroids.

maskman 2

Dr K wanted to do further treatment even though I have not made an appointment for the MRI. I gathered this as he says that I will have to do another mask. I said good as the previous mask was under sized as I had gained some weight due to the steroids.

Days later I get a phone call to come in for a mask scan.

I appeared with my sisters in tow. The measuring guy called and I say it's me again. This time he invited my sisters to attend. Cool. I mention that I had shaved this time, to avoid having to do it in the measuring (scanning room). I take my shirt off to avoid it being scanned and lay on the slab. I lay still as the laser sampled my head. An expanding foam bag was also placed under my head to take a mold of the back of my head. This will later by my 'pillow' in the treatment room.

After the scan it was over. I see my image on the computer monitor. Ugly as ever. Here's an appointment to come back for the fitting and the CT simulation (plus injection I assume).

By the way you old mold is no longer needed, want it? Yeah. The assistant disappears and return with the plaster mold of my head. Cool. I can colour it and put a wig on it. I'll use it to freak people :) Maybe even put it in the fridge. That'll really freak people :D

what's next

My 20 treatments was over.

Today I see Dr K. Ask me how I was. I say ok. He mention that I should get an MRI. Then probably have some more radiation. I tell him about my bloody nose. He takes a look with a scope. Didn't say it was bad so that was good. When he pulled the scope out there a long booger attached to it, that was amusing.

I got a medical certificate and I was out. See you in 2 weeks. I forgot to ask whether medicare could pay for the MRI. Darn, it's gonna cost me.

On the way home I see my mother at RPH. She didn't look good. I was used to seeing her healthy so seeing her unhealthy was unusual. Her temperature was lower, normal, meaning antibiotic had worked and the infection had been controlled. She mentioned that she was in pain but got a magic button to self administer pain killer. Then the nurse threw us out because it was lunch. Still I didn't feel comfortable seeing her in hospital.

When I got home it was hot, hotter than hell. It was 42 degrees C. Man this was a heat wave. The last few days and the next few days are going to be hot. Please god give me air conditioning.

A few days later I had to go to the social security office to continue my welfare payout. My 3 months medical certificate had expired (this is necessary to avoid looking for work). However I have another cert for another 3 months. I better just look for work I need a heck of a lot of money, by March!

Man I sure made some bad decisions.

shit happens, dinasour shit

Yes it does happen but dinasour size is not what I had expected. In the last 2 months my father in law died, my father had an aneurysm and had a brain operation, my mother is in hospital had a liver abscess and gall bladder inflammation. She was critical the day before and me with my problem. Shit man.

I feel a little disillusioned with doctors, all their training and charges once they work, they get lazy and we have to pay for it, with our lives. When I initially went to the doctor, I got vertigo pills and 'go home'. Twice. My mother got the same treatment, paracetamol and see you next week but 2 days later my sister sent her to emergency and they found that her condition was much more serious. She was critical the next day. Imagine if she was still at home, she may have died. I am starting to hate these general practitioners. It doesn't seem to matter what country, same lazy assholes, complacent at your detriment.

I often wonder whether it would have been better to all have taken illness at the same time rather than one after another. At least it would've have been easier to visit, it would just have been an elevator lift at the hospital :) rather than a long bus or car ride.

When you deal with humans there are no country better than another. I feel justified in having my first operation where I did. My reply was that the operation was in the hands of humans and god guides the hands on the day, not the country.

nose

Wednesday again.

I see the doc. This time I mention that I had reduced my dexa to 1 pill a day without headaches. She says good, next week go for half. Will try.

I also mention that there was dried blood in my nostrils. She says that the radiation will dry the nostrils. I will get paraffin for it. And how do I apply it. With the finger of course.

end of days, dexa days

Next wednesday, doctor day.

I see the doctor, mention my ailments, tiredness, fatigue. She said it was normal. What about the moisturiser (sorbelene). I was lazy, better use it, twice a day, otherwise the skin will become a rash and will require antibiotic if left alone. She mention that better to use the moisturiser twice a day before things get complicated. Blah blah so I thought. She does say that it's startng to look red. She must be on weed or something I didn't notice anything.

The dexa will also have to be reduced. The side effects were too many. But I liked the side effects. What can I do. I mention the headache that may happen and she prescribed a morphine like pain killer. As long as there is no pain.

I got home and look in the mirror in the other bathroom. Bam! With the lighting in this room I saw the area around my nose and forehead WAS red and dark. I BETTER make serious attempt using the sorbelene before it becomes bad.

laziness

It's Sunday and I was getting a little lazy with the medication. I was starting to skip my midday dexa.

I got a little headache, laying on my back watching tv. This little headache started to grow and grow and didn't go. Next thing I know it was killing me. I was bed bound, for days. No appetite, no relief. Makcik also came to visit. Help put wet towel on my head. It was nice, it helped. Mum was around to help too. The peeled apple helped, I needed to eat but didn't have an appetite for anything.

I still had to go for the treatment though. I just had to suck it in.

Later on wednesday (meet the doctor day) I see Dr Melanie. I mention the headache and she prescribe something for the headache a paracetamol codeine cocktail. It helped and I sure finished it. I was also anxious to know of the biopsy results. The reception said that they were not allow to release that info only the doctor was allow to release it. Funny, the information belongs to me and I cannot read it? Anyways, it was cancer. No doubts about it now, metastasis has occurred.

I new this was a lack of steroids. So I just take the usual 2 and why not 3 while I'm at it. I'm in pain, why not take the extra to reduce the swelling.

End of the week the headache was gone. Thank god for that.

time to glow

This was a while back as I have been a little lazy with the blog.

This is it, radiotherapy treatment number 1. My wife and I took the bus to the hospital. I had an appointment card with a barcode. I scanned it and this registers my arrival at the 'tuart' unit. There are multiple units at the center. I sit a few minutes and then called in. The nurse introduces herself, and as usual I forget 2 minutes later. There seems to be new nurses every few days anyways. Although it would be nice to remember a name or two but this was not to be the case.

I mentioned to the nurse I had some nausea and she gave me an under the tongue pill. She said it was expensive so I was not going to get it...for free or otherwise. Just had to say I was nausious on the day and I would get a pill.I find it hard to believe these pills as if I'm gonna throw (up), throw up.

I lay on the slab, get positioned using the lasers and the mask placed to keep me in place. Then they ran out. I guess it wasn't safe. The machine moves as it shoots radiation at me. Straight through the head. 5 minutes later it was done.

Seems more work to get here than the therapy, getting up, getting ready, travelling just for 5 minutes of therapy. Oh well, better than surgery.