reflections

spoiler: I'm sorry but this post is depressing, skip if you must, I just want to get some relief by expressing my feelings. Maybe when the planets align my 'other girl' may just read this post and know that she was something to me.

After the doctor's appointment I was struck by sadness and grief. My mind says forget it, think positive and pull the 'don't give a shit' card but I also know that fighting the emotions does not always work. You have to go throught the course before you can cope. A cut will bleed and needs to be cleaned before it can heal. I too allowed myself the low so I can feel the high (assuming I don't go below 6ft).

Music is helping. Love songs for the grief (although it makes me more depressed) and heavy metal for the anger (arse kicker).

I am gripped by three things that I cannot shake and the tears appear when I think about.

The first is that my daughter 6 and a half years old and my son almost 3, they wont know me as a person. They will remember snippets of something, maybe images but nothing much. It will be as though I did not exist. They will see pictures of me but will only wonder who this old guy was. I in turn will not be able to see them grow up, guide them through life, be their friend, play with them, see them married and have kids. I read 'The Last Lecture', his strategy was to imprint his kids by doing activities that will leave a lasting impression. My resolution is to do the same. As for a last lecture, I really don't know, last thing on my mind.

The second is that my wife will be alone and I wont be able to support her, or comfort her, make her dreams come true. She'll have to face the world alone, sleep alone, be alone. It's hard to think about it.

The third is a girl. When I was working at SMK I had strong feelings for a girl. I liked her so much I had fantasies of her, and the emotional connection grew from those fantasies. Thinking back, in real life there was nothing actually there. It was just my imagination but love is so blind it stopped me from seeing the truth, that I was just chasing a shadow. She never showed me any signs of affection. Unfortunately I was blind to another girl that was showing me affections. I was beginning to be torn by these two girls but I had to follow through with my course of action so as not to waste the 'investment' I placed in it. I knew that the other girl was growing on me but I pushed it aside, biggest mistake in my life. Eventually I had an opportunity to take this girl out. I did and said what needs to be said. I got burnt. She already has a relationship with someone in the same office. I feel like they/she was playing like fool. Stupidifying me. When you chase shadows, you only get tired, theres nothing there. The pain of rejection is satan's best weapon, it can send you over the cliff. It was the hardest thing to get over. After what seems like ages I eventually got to compromise with the emotion of that day. I'm glad I went throught the whole course, I will never wonder and if I were to meet her there wouldn't be anything to say as I have said all that I needed to say. Unfortunately I lost the one that was right in front of me.

I still remember the other girl, longing sometimes, what could have been, would have been if only I had the light to make the shadows disappear. I was attracted to her the first day she came to the factory. I had to interview her and her sister. I was hooked. The interview was a sham, I was going to hire her regardless. I also made sure she was on my team. :) evil me. She would tidy my desk on some mornings, even put a flower there one time. I never dwell on regrets, Oprah said it's bad. You learn from it and move on otherwise its just a downer. I remember I couldn't wait to get to work just to see this girl. Exchange smiles and muck around all day. When she was absent I felt empty the whole day. Funny all this and I was blind to it. Biggest and only regret of my life this other girl. When I retired my supervisor suggested a promotion but the manager said all I did was flirt with the girls or was it with a girl. I always thought my anticks was unnoticed :) guess I was wrong.

Wherever she is I hope she is really happy with her life, although I do always wonder what if it was with me.