one regret

spoiler: this is just mushy stuff don't bother. It's what I would like to say to the 'other girl'

If there's one one thing in my life I can change, she would be it.

I wish I could go back and say I have strong feelings for her. I'm cautious of saying love because my imagination has clouded my thoughts. Even though based on her actions I wonder what her feelings were. If she had not retire and get married I'm sure my feelings for her were growing. I could feel it swing. When she retired to get married a bell rang in my head but I was so blind it registered as a passing thought. I was feeling empty and depressed without her. Looking back I was an idiot. Don't know what you have until you lose it.

I remember her eyebrows, eyes, nose, soft lips and sweet smile. She would give me a smile in the mornings, she knows where I sit and its a glance and smile when she walks in and I do the same.

If she were to be available, I wonder what I would do. I know what I would like to do. Would I leave my wife? A marriage is an investment for the rest of ones life. It's not a fashion statement which can be changed each season. It's a deep and serious commitment. When one commits to marriage one is surrendering ones life to another. It's more than just a responsibility. And my wife entrusted her's to me. I cannot just brush it aside. But would you still get a sense of heaven on earth if you were able to spend even a week with the one you truely love?

Would you live with the one you love even it was for a moment or live forever without? Living is not enough. Love is blind but it fills us, influences our actions. Without it we are empty shells.

I feel like she was unfinished business. It's like a data transfer and the plug gets pulled out. I have things I want to say, to know. I want to know what her feelings were for me? Could we have managed to reach the altar? Would I be happy with her? I'm touched by the things she did, it was real. She was real.

I wonder where she is. I hope she is happy. If she is then I will be at peace. I felt like she was yearning for me and I feel responsible if she was not happy. I don't know if anybody can be unhappy with her.

I'd like to meet her one more time, just to see her face, her smile, her voice and her cheeky mannerisms. I..I dunno. I just miss her. Now I'm the one with the yearning. (Maybe it's just my imagination. What the hell am I thinking, am I thinking straight? I don't know anymore.) Well just in case, I'll write it down before the next radiotherapy stint. Not sure how much of my brain will be Kentucky fried after that. But I get another year to live.

I still have dreams, I still want things but it seems such a futile thing to do. Man Motorhead sounds good right now although Enrique - Hero is the song I would like to give.

I have always been a procrastinator, a pessimist and I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I wish I could change it. Why is it so hard to see things simply, without our imagination and fantasies getting in the way. I leave things too late until it's too late.

I wonder if what I remember is real or just my imagination.

It's just not fair that god set in motion the sequence of events the way that it is. Why did this girl get married before I got burnt by the shadow I was chasing. If it was the other way I would have quickly snapped this girl. I can't help wonder why god does what he does. If this is my test in life ... that cliff looks real good to me.