About a month ago Puan Norlida mentioned vitamin B17. I was complacent as usual until the MRI results. It was spreading fast. Now I wanted to get my hands on some B17. At least it's better than nothing. But getting it here in this country was not easy, it was not common and, it was expensive RM400 for a bottle of 90s. 4 bucks a pop.
Mak :)
I think it's time for another call to mom. I'll just call to 'enquire' and maybe they'll catch on...wink wink.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
the man in the plastic mask
Today they verify whatever they are going to do to me. I had a week to think about blindness. I have decided that I cannot accept blindness as an option.
If needs be it would be a death sentence anyways. I don't think I can live with blindness. I get into two machines, ones the CT scan with the mask and the other is like the radiotherapy machine with the mask. The mask was on for a while so when they take it off it left grooves in my face. When I went into the toilet to wash the calibration marks on my face, the impression looked like scales. I was the creature from the black lagoon! Maybe I will end up in a freak show, no sense of smell in one nostril, a hole in my base skull, blindness, maybe later deaf and no tongue.
The mask is to ensure that my head is in the same position every time to simplify being shot with radiation. I wonder if my titanium screws will absorb radiation?
I want to see the doctor. If there is no choice I will have to consider going overseas, Australia? Gamma knife in Singapore? If gamma knife can do something better (probably) then I would have to sell my house to pay for it.
Michael Jackson (or is it Mikheel) died a few days ago. Unbelievable. I guess no-one lives forever and one cannot be guaranteed of a long life even if you don't smoke, or drink, or womanise. Maybe it's not too late for all those things :D.
If needs be it would be a death sentence anyways. I don't think I can live with blindness. I get into two machines, ones the CT scan with the mask and the other is like the radiotherapy machine with the mask. The mask was on for a while so when they take it off it left grooves in my face. When I went into the toilet to wash the calibration marks on my face, the impression looked like scales. I was the creature from the black lagoon! Maybe I will end up in a freak show, no sense of smell in one nostril, a hole in my base skull, blindness, maybe later deaf and no tongue.
The mask is to ensure that my head is in the same position every time to simplify being shot with radiation. I wonder if my titanium screws will absorb radiation?
I want to see the doctor. If there is no choice I will have to consider going overseas, Australia? Gamma knife in Singapore? If gamma knife can do something better (probably) then I would have to sell my house to pay for it.
Michael Jackson (or is it Mikheel) died a few days ago. Unbelievable. I guess no-one lives forever and one cannot be guaranteed of a long life even if you don't smoke, or drink, or womanise. Maybe it's not too late for all those things :D.
maybe not
SO yesterday the nurse calls "come in the doctor wants to see you".
I wasn't expecting anything good. They say wait here. It was a long wait. They seemed carried away with the face mask thing. I guess they were taking the H1N1 seriously.
The doc comes in says hello. blah blah blah. Short story they want to do radiotherapy. She says Mr Cheang concurs. BUT the affected area is close to my optic chiasm, its where the left eye crosses to the right side of the brain and vice versa for the right eye.
The cancer needs 64 greys in order to 'kill' it while the optic chiasm has a tolerance of 54. This would mean blindness. FUCK. The last time I visit I got the impression it was for one eye, now I get total blindness into the package.
Blindness is not something I look forward to.
I wasn't expecting anything good. They say wait here. It was a long wait. They seemed carried away with the face mask thing. I guess they were taking the H1N1 seriously.
The doc comes in says hello. blah blah blah. Short story they want to do radiotherapy. She says Mr Cheang concurs. BUT the affected area is close to my optic chiasm, its where the left eye crosses to the right side of the brain and vice versa for the right eye.
The cancer needs 64 greys in order to 'kill' it while the optic chiasm has a tolerance of 54. This would mean blindness. FUCK. The last time I visit I got the impression it was for one eye, now I get total blindness into the package.
Blindness is not something I look forward to.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Maybe I will see more raya-s
I leave to neuro, disappointed. I see them again in 3 months.
I go upstairs to the ENT. I didn't want to disturb the doc, so I wait for the nurse to go out and to give it to her. So I wait then a doc I recognise came buy , I smiled and ask if doc Harv is in. Just an excuse to open the door. Then I give the nurse the scans and wait outside.
The doc asks me in. He says the scans are all screwed up. Hmm yeah, they are. But the latest is April 29. There. and the latest CT 6th May, here. I ask about the growth and he says that it's discharge...fluid. And the nasal? Leftovers from his handy work. So I'm ok? Yeah. Woohoo.
Maybe I will see more of my daughter's birthdays...I hope.
I feel better. I ask if the onkologist called, nope. Where's the scan reports...hm...gone. HKL took them. Bugger, I have scans of the reports, I'll bring to the next appointment, next month.
So I leave.
Man I need to hassle the onkologist, she said she would call them. Should have guessed, nothing.
I go upstairs to the ENT. I didn't want to disturb the doc, so I wait for the nurse to go out and to give it to her. So I wait then a doc I recognise came buy , I smiled and ask if doc Harv is in. Just an excuse to open the door. Then I give the nurse the scans and wait outside.
The doc asks me in. He says the scans are all screwed up. Hmm yeah, they are. But the latest is April 29. There. and the latest CT 6th May, here. I ask about the growth and he says that it's discharge...fluid. And the nasal? Leftovers from his handy work. So I'm ok? Yeah. Woohoo.
Maybe I will see more of my daughter's birthdays...I hope.
I feel better. I ask if the onkologist called, nope. Where's the scan reports...hm...gone. HKL took them. Bugger, I have scans of the reports, I'll bring to the next appointment, next month.
So I leave.
Man I need to hassle the onkologist, she said she would call them. Should have guessed, nothing.
neuro who?
I was going to see the neuro today. I imagine looking at my scans that I will go straight to the ward. Wouldn't that be a laugh. Yeah.
Wonder which neuro I will see. I go in and I get someone I have never met before. He knows nothing about my case and it showed. You still leaking? No. What a disappointment. Is there a chance of fits. "There's always a chance, doesn't mean you'll get it though." Great, uncertainty till the day I die, then it will be certain. Have you heard of vitamin b17. Wass that, no, believe in contemporary medicine. Everything else is crack pot. Man I hate this guy already. Attitudes like this will keep medicine where it is now, slow. Do whatever the onkologist say. Did the radiologist call? Donno.
Have you seen my scan? It's grown everywhere! Then he shuffles through it. We only deal with the brain. There's some leftovers, let the onkologist deal with it.
...???...
What a waste of time. Wish I had gotten any of the other doctors, this guy was useless.
Wonder which neuro I will see. I go in and I get someone I have never met before. He knows nothing about my case and it showed. You still leaking? No. What a disappointment. Is there a chance of fits. "There's always a chance, doesn't mean you'll get it though." Great, uncertainty till the day I die, then it will be certain. Have you heard of vitamin b17. Wass that, no, believe in contemporary medicine. Everything else is crack pot. Man I hate this guy already. Attitudes like this will keep medicine where it is now, slow. Do whatever the onkologist say. Did the radiologist call? Donno.
Have you seen my scan? It's grown everywhere! Then he shuffles through it. We only deal with the brain. There's some leftovers, let the onkologist deal with it.
...???...
What a waste of time. Wish I had gotten any of the other doctors, this guy was useless.
my last raya
At this rate I am certainly going to die soon. Man only after so months it's everywhere.
I feel sad not being able to see my daughter grow up, have birthdays.
Certainly this will be my last raya.
I feel sad not being able to see my daughter grow up, have birthdays.
Certainly this will be my last raya.
shaking the apple tree
In order to get any fruits sometimes you have to shake the tree. Something may fall.
I had to see the neuro on Monday and I ask HKL if I could pick up my scans. They say sure. I go on friday. While here I tried to get an update on my case after all it has been almost 2 MONTHS since the 'we will call you'. Man I could die before treatment.
The counter says, ask in room 1, the planning room. So I go there, ask about the scans and my case. The guy calls the doctor and then says she wants to see me, please wait. So I wait. The doc comes in and gives me the low down. Here's what we got. You have something here behind your right cheek, something suspicious on the right nostril near your eye and leftovers in your brain. The bulk near your eye...if low dose you'll get cataracts cos it's sensitive and at high dose, well no more stereo vision. We'll need your permission. I do the usual smile and lightheartedness. Man this is what you can give me after 2 MONTHS+. This scan is almost 2 months ago. It's probably grown more by then. Fuck what are you waiting for! I will need some input from Mr Cheang or Dr Harvinder. OK. Thanks.
So I leave.
I had to see the neuro on Monday and I ask HKL if I could pick up my scans. They say sure. I go on friday. While here I tried to get an update on my case after all it has been almost 2 MONTHS since the 'we will call you'. Man I could die before treatment.
The counter says, ask in room 1, the planning room. So I go there, ask about the scans and my case. The guy calls the doctor and then says she wants to see me, please wait. So I wait. The doc comes in and gives me the low down. Here's what we got. You have something here behind your right cheek, something suspicious on the right nostril near your eye and leftovers in your brain. The bulk near your eye...if low dose you'll get cataracts cos it's sensitive and at high dose, well no more stereo vision. We'll need your permission. I do the usual smile and lightheartedness. Man this is what you can give me after 2 MONTHS+. This scan is almost 2 months ago. It's probably grown more by then. Fuck what are you waiting for! I will need some input from Mr Cheang or Dr Harvinder. OK. Thanks.
So I leave.
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