futility

Today is my field of vision test. Its a test where you have to look into a ball and press a button when a light flashes anywhere inside the ball. This will determine if you have any black spots. Apparently mine was normal the same as when I did it in Ipoh.

After this test was a visit to Dr Grey, the ENT. He basically said that the cancer has spread and it is not a good sign. Bad as a matter of fact. He looked in the nose like all ENT docs do. He mentioned that a previous patient had a similar procedure was older and slightly smaller problem, was in hospital for 10 days followed by after care hospital care for 2 months. And added that Prof Knuckey wanted to see me.

The prof comes. He says the cancer has spread. It's not good. This means that the radical (major) surgery will not be curative but palliative. ??? What's palliative? Well in short this means that surgery is pointless because you're gonna die anyway. The surgical team once realising the spread had felt lukewarm to the idea of surgery for the same reason. He added that they only considered surgery because of my relatively young age, if I was older they would not have considered surgery at all. He said the options was radio, surgery and nothing. I ask chemo? He said during the meetings only the radio team offered, the chemo surrendered (I guess). I then realise that it would only be a matter of time before I will be buried. I ask what will happen next, coma? He said the right eye is infected and I will probably go blind first then possibly a coma. I also weigh the options. A major surgery will not give me much in terms of life expectancy and it will be drastic. I mean drastic. Should I bother with the surgery?

In the end I opted for the radio. After all if I am to die may as well have all my parts and go down in one piece. This does mean that my life expectancy will be measured in the near term.

Monday I am to see the radio guy. I definitely have questions for him. Life expectancy and expected outcomes are the foremost. The the expected symptoms if things go bad.